The Art of the Pickup Line

This post is brought you by the skeezoid cab driver I had last Sunday.  He told me he always enjoyed driving around pretty girls, talked my ear off until we got to my apartment and then when I said I thought I had dropped something, he said, “Drop your phone in the back seat so you’ll have to call me.”

Um, what?  No.  Awful.

I really wonder if dudes are serious when they vomit that bullshit at you.

A little over three years ago, I was dating someone (we’ll call him Mr. Titspervert), and we used to see who could come up with the cheesiest pickup lines.  They were horrible.  I would actually Google “bad pick up lines” but he always seemed to win (p.s. – this is not the solid foundation with which to start a relationship).

A very popular one seems to be:  “nice shoes, wanna fuck?”  I mean, sure, that’s straight to the point and better than a line that was once dropped on my sister: “Is your father a thief?  Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.”  Or this gem once given to my best friend:  “Do you have a band-aid?  Because I hurt myself when I fell for you.”

Dudes – here is a tip.  Do not say ANY of the above.  I really cannot think of one time a pickup line was successfully used on me or anyone I know, mostly because they are so cringe worthy and awful that the best we can do is respond with the laugh/eye-roll combo.

The best pickup lines are the ones that aren’t lines at all.  Something like this would probably work:  “Excuse me – I see that you’re wearing a Miami t-shirt.  Wasn’t that pass interference call in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl against Glenn Sharpe total bullshit?  Clearly Jim Tressel paid off the refs.  Can I buy you a Blue Moon?”

Or perhaps:  “Excuse me – I see that you’re wearing a Villanova t-shirt.  Wasn’t that traveling call against Allan Ray in the 2005 Sweet 16 total bullshit?  Raymond Felton clearly fouled him.  Can I buy you a Blue Moon?”

Mind you these are just general examples and not specific to me AT ALL.  But the point here is that if the overall goal is to truly impress a member of the opposite sex you have to do it without being abrasive, glaringly obvious, or totally sleazy.   Try to appeal to them with your knowledge of something interesting that could lead to an actual conversation.  And if the goal is really just meaningless hookup, you might have success with the following:

Just say to the person:  "Fuck."  When they ask what's wrong, reply with, "no, I meant you...later."  Because why  WOULDN'T that work?  

And with that, I am off to the nearest bar in my Villanova fleece and Miami t-shirt.  Carry on.